Tuesday, September 3, 2013
It is really hard to dream about someone you love the most.
It is hard to dream about someone you are trying to move on from, specially if they are the ones who cut the ties with you. While they feel relieved and happy with slight feeling of sadness, I am left out with gloominess, with nothing to comfort me but myself. It is hard. I have to convince myself that it's not entirely my fault why the relationship broke up, I have to try to calm myself, try to cheer myself up and all of this while hurting.
It still stings. The way it happened, is like having a boot out of nowhere smash into my face leaving me lying on back wondering what happened, it also felt like killing me softly kind of thing, the voice on the other line was calm and casual while I, hate to admit, that I cannot hold back my tears while listening. How can you do that easily? Why could you choose to hurt both us?
What happened have effects on my way of thinking things about this matter. I believed that we are strong, and we can take all of the challenges, we should know, we survived four years worth of problems. We believed in each other. But with this breaking up thing, I don't see for other relationships to survive, I don't see the point of marriage, since we can hear about couple separations in the news, forums etc. and to think that there is a considerably amount of years in their family life. This whole relationship stuff, this will only hurt and kill me. I should have listen to my 10 year old self to not to fall in love. (Sorry kid, I should have listened to you. I am sorry.)
Why would you do this, brain? Making me dream of the one I love I am forcing myself to remove from my life? Why would you make me dream of the one I love I am forcing myself to get out of my head? Why would you make me dream of the one I love I am forcing myself to cut emotional ties from? Why would you do that? Why would you make me dream about the one who hurt me? Why would you make me dream about the girl I truly love.
Humans are interesting.
I tried to not have all this drama, but I cannot deny that my emotions are kicking in, always butting in. Always making me tear up and cry during unexpected times. If only I can cut emotions entirely just to save me from this. If I only can. Maybe that's the next thing I will do.
I want to grab that hope. I want to be strong.
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