Life According to the Hyper Radioactive Neophyte

There times that we feel like we know everything, it's like we hold the universe and all of its mystery. We are very confident in everything we do like we are going to ace without any significant effort, and with this reason we see ourselves are superior to other people around and that it's going to be hard to meet the person that equals our knowledge. We are blinded by that light, light that came from our dreams and fears.

It has come to me where my status in life is.

It's been over a year since I graduated from school, it's also the time when I decided not to find a job right away and take the time to really think what I want to do and at the same time have some rest. Kind of let it all loose, relax from those fifteen years of academic life, at the same time planning about the future.

So after less than a year I decided to actively find a job to finance my plans. The first tries I would have to say are good, they invited me for interviews, I responded to some of them. Yes, some. I didn't go to some of the interviews for the reason of I'm not just feeling it. This is a fact I have yet to share to my small circle of trusted individuals. 

Months after months of  finding a job with no results (in which I admit that part of it is my own doing) my morale dropped, pretty bad. I am thinking that I am not good enough for them to hire, and they did not really agree on what I said during the interviews (that's right I talk what I really think, not what they want to hear). I started thinking that I am not good enough for anyone, even to the one I really love. 

I can my see my schoolmates having jobs and spending their hard-earned money to something, yet here I am still doing nothing. A lazy bum. With having my morale down, I began to question the choice I made, is this the right path I chose? I began to doubt myself, no job, no spending power, the one who's very special to me left me, it's like the universe is having a cruel joke on me.

Fortunately something inside me and from a help prevented me from turning into total wreck. A voice made it feel to me to never give, it's just a challenge. Follow my dreams, my plans, that this is my life. I just have to never give up on my dreams, always be prepared and make back-up plans, make support for my chosen path. 

So from that point I decided to grab any chances that may prove helpful and beneficial to my plans. Then there's the chance for me to pursue higher studies, without hesitation I grabbed it. I did not treat it as a "sideline" for my plan, rather I integrated it. Now it has a vital role for what I'm aiming for. 

Now with enough courage I am pursuing a milestone in my life, I am venturing into the unknown, into the road less traveled. It's going to be hard but it's worth it.

Remember that time when internet is not yet widely used, same with smartphones, tablets and those kind of things. One of the things I used to do or still do sometimes is looking inside the refrigerator, hoping that something delicious will turn up. Well I do this at different times of the day and nothing really happens.

But what if, let's say, it's a magic fridge? And every time you open it something new will turn up like a Swiss cheese, a goat or a game console. There's no limit what it can give, there's no telling until the fridge is opened. It is up to the guts of the person who may or may not open it. Will it be good or will it be a disaster? 

How the magic fridge operates is worth to be mentioned. It may have the "magic" in its name (How can an inanimate object name itself?) but  it does not magically make things, instead it takes whatever it shows from somewhere. So if a handful of money turns up it can only mean that somewhere someone is desperately looking for their money. But one who opened the fridge does not have any knowledge of the fridge works, the person spends the money, and the police tracked the serial printed on the money, and arrests the person.

Are the humans ready for this kind of thing? Who knows? But I bet it's interesting.

I just don't see myself as an old person. Thirty to forty years for me is enough if I already finished what I need to do. I think that there is no point for me to live longer if already finished what I need to do. I've done my part and I think that it's the next one's job to their part. I don't want to end up being attended to, I don't want them to respect me just because I'm old and frail. I don't want that.

It is really hard to dream about someone you love the most.

It is hard to dream about someone you are trying to move on from, specially if they are the ones who cut the ties with you. While they feel relieved and happy with slight feeling of sadness, I am left out with gloominess, with nothing to comfort me but myself. It is hard. I have to convince myself that  it's not entirely my fault why the relationship broke up, I have to try to calm myself, try to cheer myself up and all of this while hurting.

It still stings. The way it happened, is like having a boot out of nowhere smash into my face leaving me lying on back wondering what happened, it also felt like killing me softly kind of thing, the voice on the other line was calm and casual while I, hate to admit, that I cannot hold back my tears while listening. How can you do that easily? Why could you choose to hurt both us?

What happened have effects on my way of thinking things about this matter. I believed that we are strong, and we can take all of the challenges, we should know, we survived four years worth of problems. We believed in each other. But with this breaking up thing, I don't see for other relationships to survive, I don't see the point of marriage, since we can hear about couple separations in the news, forums etc. and to think that there is a considerably amount of years in their family life. This whole relationship stuff, this will only hurt and kill me. I should have listen to my 10 year old self to not to fall in love. (Sorry kid, I should have listened to you. I am sorry.)

Why would you do this, brain? Making me dream of the one I love I am forcing myself to remove from my life? Why would you make me dream of the one I love I am forcing myself to get out of my head? Why would you make me dream of the one I love I am forcing myself to cut emotional ties from? Why would you do that? Why would you make me dream about the one who hurt me? Why would you make me dream about the girl I truly love.

Humans are interesting.

I tried to not have all this drama, but I cannot deny that my emotions are kicking in, always butting in. Always making me tear up and cry during unexpected times. If only I can cut emotions entirely just to save me from this. If I only can. Maybe that's the next thing I will do.

I want to grab that hope. I want to be strong.